Ok, so barely about a month ago, I tenatively put a profile on Match.com. It’s been almost a whole year since my divorce, and I haven’t dated much. I had two disasterous dates, one former model with three kids who disappeared into thin air with no explanation after three really nice dates, and another professional musician who I had known for a while but decided to wig out on me. I realized I was ready to date, but not ready for the rejection. Now that time has passed and I am not so broken, I think it’s time for me to get out there. Even if it’s bad, I can write a book about it and make millions.

So I have this profile on Match.com. Now I love talking about myself, but put a blank dating profile in front of me, and I get writer’s block. I think I did pretty well considering. And I was completely honest. I threw in a few pics, not that I think they are terribly good, but I guess they look like me enough.
And I waited.
It’s much like fishing, in a way. Your pics and profile are the bait… but more like fishing with a net. You never know what… ahem.. debris you might dredge up..

Ok, so it’s not so bad, the men on Match.com seem like quality, especially in my age group. I was surprised when I did searches, there were quite a few to choose from, and they were not dogs. Which is nice, because when I go out to the entertainment district, if I meet any guys they are at least 10 years younger than I am. They don’t seem to care how old I am, but I am not willing to go through all the 20′s crap again. Been there, done that.

But I get the sneaking suspicion that there are
‘member plants’ on there, they have these profiles that get you in so you pay, but they aren’t really members. It could happen. Some of those just seem too good to be true.. Financier, rodeo cowboy and model who’s independantly wealthy and has this professional black-and white headshot for a photo… uh, yeah, right.

I have gone into this with very realistic expectations.
So, I get e-mails from a few guys. One asked for pics. I sent them. Then I never heard anything again… It’s hard not to take it personally. I mean, were the pics that bad?

Another guy wanted me to chat online with him. I felt so.. well 2005…
Technology is a wonderful thing. We did this for a few nights off and on. He seemed nice, and had a webcam so I could see him while we chatted in IM. One night, he was on and he was not wearing a shirt.
Curious, I cautiously asked if he was wearing pants… he was, sort of. Boxers. I felt a bit wierd talking to a guy I hardly knew sitting in his underwear..

Another guy I got an e-mail from was a 43-year-old guy from Tokyo, he said he looked like Bruce Lee. He did. He told me in broken english his whole life story.. Though I am a huge Bruce Lee fan, I think he’s a little too old, and a little too far away for me…

Another, who looked promising, asked for my phone number. I gave him my cell number, so he couldn’t track me down through the phone company and stalk me. Exactly one week later, after I had written him off as a dud, I get a call from him. He has that smooth radio/salesman voice on the phone. Sounds sexy.. but he called me at 8:45 on a Friday night. I was out of town so I didn’t get the message until the next day. Now I was not born yesterday, I suspect highly that I was not the first person he’d tried to make plans with that might. Duh! Besides, if I was going out, I would have most certainly had plans already by that time…he’s setting himself up for failure. Hasn’t he read “The Rules?”
I left him a return message, we shall see if I hear from him again.

So I met the underwear boy, who was nice but has a problem complexion and is shorter than he said he was. He is also unfortunately more well-spoken online than he is in person. He told me girls he had met lied on their profiles, especially about their weight. He said one girl had put “about average” as her body type. He said if 30lbs overweight was average, she was right on the mark. He said I looked better than my pictures. He was easy to talk to and seems nice, but there’s no spark. The spark has to be there for me. And bottom line: I am just way too cute for him. Am I shallow? I did get a free dinner out of it though.

And then I met another guy, who lives at the lake and sells boats. I drove out there to meet him at Carlos and Charlies. He was about like he seemed online. Very laid back, not drop-dead gorgeous but nice looking. And very, very tan. He seems well-adjusted and was very easy to talk to and we got along famously. He promised we would do it again sometime. I do hope so, he’s the most promising yet. At the least we could become friends and he can be my boat buddy. Everyone needs one of those.

So, here’s some tips for guys who might be reading this who want to be sucessful at the online dating game:

1. Do not call a girl at 8:45 on a Friday night to do something. We are not stupid, we will know the last three girls you asked out turned you down.

2. If you have a webcam, wear clothes please. Unless, however, you are a professional underwear model.

3. Don’t spend 10 minutes telling a possible date why you don’t like the company she works for, even if you do feel that way. Wait till you’ve been dating for years.

4. Inappropriate self-disclosure. That rash that has just started to clear up, or the restraining order your ex has on you… probaby don’t want to mention that right away.

5. Don’t put pictures of yourself online that it’s obvious your girlfriend has been cut out of.

6. Don’t lie about your height. I know guys are challenged in measurements, but hey, have a friend measure your height. you can go to 7-11 and stand by that measurement thingy by the door for when they get robbed and want to be able to say how tall the suspect was.
We will know the first time we meet you how tall you are, and then we know you have lied on your profile. Lying will get you nowhere, except maybe made fun of on this blog.