So yeah, I’m not sure what it is. Expectations always seem to lead to let downs for me. And try as I might, I can’t help having those expectations.

Take last night for example. Some friends said they were coming out, but ended up bailing on me. I know things happen, and people hafta change plans, but I was still rather disappointed. Maybe un-justly but still, I wanted to see them. I waited around all night for them to show.

The real issue here is not that my friends didn’t show up, it is about the expectations I have for other people and myself. I think I’m guilty of that; setting the bar too high for people in my life and refusing to let anyone in who can come close to but not up to or surpass the bar. That’s a me issue, something I have to deal with. I’m learning to be more lax about it all, but it will take more time.

Isn’t there something about holding yourself up to higher expectations too? isn’t that supposed to be good? Then WTF, why can’t I do that? I seem to have such an sense of what I’d like for myself and who I’d like to be, but it just doesn’t work out that way. I always seem to let myself down, just at the moment when I think I’ve figured some of it out. Well, guess that’s not going to happen.

Does that mean I shouldn’t have any more expectations for myself? I think that’s kinda wrong too. It’s about finding the in-between ground. I’ve never been any good at that. I’ve pretty much always been an all or none kind of person; it’s just part of my type A personality I think.

Just maybe if I could learn to modify that need for setting super high expectations of myself I would feel more satisfied with my life. The only issue is, how do I know when they’re too low? What is my measure? Is there someone I can use as an example of my yardstick? Maybe my parents, they seem pretty satisfied with their own lives. Maybe that’s too far in the future though? I guess what it amounts to is that I don’t get it.