February 12, 2009

You haven’t been kissed…

by @ 11:52 pm. Filed under internet humor

unless you have been Fernando kissed!

So I got an email from this chick who read my blog entry about “He’s just not that into you”.  She didn’t offer her condolences.  Apparently she was with some marketing group who was peddling Crest Whitestrips.  Supposedly they are a platinum sponsor of the film.  They created a cheesy marketing campaign for the strips and she wanted me to blog about the product, not sure if she wants me to review the strips or the website.  I am going for the website.  I don’t really want glow in the dark teeth. My prize for blogging is a pack o’ white strips valued at $45.  Can I get movie tickets instead?

Here goes nothing…

The name of the site is http://www.kissmein3d.com/

I was a little pissed off because the site won’t run in Firefox.  I had to use that other browser.

You are greeted by Fernando! He tells you that you haven’t been kissed until you have been Fernando kissed. Annoying chick (Olivia) also greets you in her own lame way (I asked the Real Jew his thoughts on Olivia.  He was not turned on).

Cheesy porn music starts to play in the background.

Then you scan down to the bottom of the screen,  apparently you need a pair of amber/blue 3D glasses to view the site.  WTF?  who has those lying around? (guess what, I happened to have a pair from the people at Make/Craft).

I clicked on Fernando.  Who cares about the chick?  I’ve been watching queer as folk and I am even more of a sucker for a mildly hot dude.  This one was made significantly hotter with an accent.

I will review the rest of the site without the 3D enhancements since most viewers will not have a handy dandy pair of glasses.

Fernando introduces himself (in true sleeze style).  He wants to show me what his lips can do.  He can start off soft and slow or he can take my breath away it’s all up to me.  We will not be discussing what would occur if it were all up to me.

For my “Make Out” session with Fernando, I selected 3 kisses.

For the first go round. I chose cowboy, steamy, and around the world.  The porn music is still going in the back ground.

Steamy- one kiss and then he is obscured by a steamy window with a heart drawn in it.  It would have been better if Fernando was shirtless and in a towel for this shower scene.

Around the world- Lame.  Just a bunch of kisses around the screen.

Cowboy- Fernando with a lasso.  He says that our love is like a wild stallion.  He can capture it but never tame it.  Couldn’t they get Fernando one of those shirts with the pearl snaps.  Hell, this actor probably has one in his closet.

The bonus- Here is the part where Fernando gives us a Scooby Doo ending.  He kisses you and then he whips off his white strip all sexy like (Just kidding, there was nothing  sexy about it.  It was about as hot as someone taking out their retainer).

Then the ad for the strips comes on.  I am going to ignore the annoying voice and go back for another round of Fernando.

I chose Party,Monkey and Heart.  More lame. 3D glasses must play a greater role in this.

Party- confetti and a kiss

Flying Monkey- a kiss from an upside down Fernando.  It would be better if he was hanging upside down doing some sort of shirtless ab curling exercise.

Heart to Heat- lame he blows a kiss and hearts come out

… blah, blah, blah, Scooby Doo ending, porn music and commercial.

I went through for 2 more rounds of Fernando and porn music with my 3D glasses.  The effects aren’t so great.  No need to run out for a pair of glasses.

We have reached the end of my first “official” review of a product.  Thanks to the Real Jew and the Tastytouring chick for encouraging me to write this up.  Hopefully one of us will get some free stuff for posting things on the internet. I am hoping my next review is for something better.  Maybe electronics. If anyone has a netbook they want me to try out during SXSW speak now.


One Response to “You haven’t been kissed…”

  1. Jodi Says:

    Ha ha! This was hilarious…you described the web site perfectly. The Real Jew and I were laughing. Here’s to selling out to the man!

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