I have heard people say that their significant other is the “calm to their crazy” but last night I actually witnessed it.  I had the opportunity to sit in the middle of an arguement (by choice) for a few hours and watch two people go at it. It was a pretty emotional event but in the end they seemed to come to a resolution.

The thing that really impressed me was their ability to keep at it.  Each one stepped back from the situation when they needed to and to my surprise they kept me out of it, I wasn’t there to take a side.  I listened and reasoned with them.  But for the most part I was just an observer.

When you are dealing with someone emotionally distraught, the real meaning of what has caused them to become so upset usually far below the surface.   A recent event in life has triggered feelings from long ago.  Feelings related to an event that you never got closure from.

It took about 5 hours to get down to the root of the meltdown (and yes, it was the emergence of feelings from the past).  That is commitment.  You would never expect that sort of dedication from someone who wasn’t one of those police/gov’t agents responsible for talking people down from ledges.  You never hear about the husband that talked his wife down from a moment of hysteria.  You should though.  Maybe there would be less broken homes in America if people were able to admit that they have problems and it takes time and effort to resolve them.  No, it’s easier to just walk away.  TV shows us that walking away is ok.  Or it shows us the dramatic side of the demise of a relationship.  The fighting, the breaking things, the substance abuse, etc… Nothing real.  Definitely nothing like this.

For those of you who have never had to talk someone down, here are a few tips (I also encourage you not to be afraid to seek professional help.  Sometimes the problem is too big for you to handle on your own).

1. Get them talking,  ask them how they are feeling.
2. Find out what has caused them to feel that way
3. Often they don’t feel in control of something,  remind them of the things that they have complete control over.
4. Let them cry for a bit.  Get it out of their system. But get them to be emotional about the root of the problem not the insignificant trigger.
5. Empower them, give them options on how to get themselves out of this funk. (I am a big fan of getting people to write it out. Redirect the anger into something productive.)
6. Follow up,  make sure that they have come up with a plan on how to deal with this.
7. Help them implement their plan.
8. Remind them that the world wasn’t built in a day and that it will take time to get past this.
9. No backsliding.  Don’t let them keep bringing back the past issue.  Move them forward.

To the people whose lives I observed: Thanks for showing me what marriage is about.  Yes, things do get ugly but you are there for each other.  Hang in there, take it one day at a time, and this too shall pass.

To the people who have talked me down: Thanks for being there.  I will do my best to return the favor and pay it forward.