I continue to do the same thing over and over.  It’s like I see it coming, so I batten down the hatches and prepare for the fight, thinking this one will be different. “If I can just get through this, then it’ll all be ok.” Then it ends, and we’re both heartbroken and generally broken.  That’s not to say that I don’t believe time heals all wounds, because I do.  I  think that’s maybe the reason why I continue this behavior.  It’s a different fight each time, but I’ll still push and fight to the teeth.

So, yeah, it happened.  I kinda had a feeling it would from the very beginning, it usually does.  I’m usually the one to get broken up with, I’m just too much of a fighter to not go down swinging.

The problem is, that I never remember this feeling when I’m beginning the fight. It’s like this new fight has erased all the other horrible ones from my memory.  And I think, “This time it’s different.”  But really, it never is, it might be about something different, but the outcome is the same, I have to eventually give up.  The giving up part is harder than the actual fight for me.  I’m so determined, and so stubborn, that each time it’s worse.

This begs the question, How much is too much?  How much can I put up with and know it is or will be worth it in the end.  Am I just going to continue this vicious behavior in every relationship?  Or will I eventually be so broken, like Muhammad Ali with Parkinson’s, left trembling and almost incomprehensible?

I want so desperately for my life to be a movie, the happy ending and all that but it never turns out that way.  And I know this, its something I tell myself all the time. However, telling yourself something and believing it are two different things.

It’s just not good enough anymore.  To continue fighting for things that I know won’t pan out is insanity.  From this point on, I’m deciding that I’m only going to put into a relationship exactly what I’m getting out of it.

Can someone please remind me of this next time I start getting ready for the end fight scene?  I’m not going get all cynical here and swear off men.  I’m not even going to banish particular ones to the closet of misfit toys.  I just need help with the perspective thing.