June 28, 2010

Keeping up appearances

by @ 8:58 pm. Filed under confessional, identity, rants

Cross-stitch samplerPeople say that home is where the heart is.  Sadly I am feeling rather vacant in that area.  Home has been my car and an assortment of places I have keys for (BTW if I haven’t said it enough, thank you for giving me keys to your houses).  I am becoming a product of this sterile environment that I return to everyday after work.

For the last 4 months I have been living in a store display.  Apparently to sell a house, the house has to be lived in, yet void of life.  I have to say that living in a store display is taking it’s toll.  Personal items are stashed away in drawers and boxes.  My sewing gear is mostly packed away because I don’t want people touching it (Note to visitors: It is not appropriate to touch a seller’s personal belongings, nor should you use their bathrooms).  Books and DVDs are in the closet to avoid clouding anyone’s judgement on the purchase of my home.   I can’t even cook here.  People looking at houses do not have the same appreciation for the smell of butter and garlic that I do.  The longer the house is on the market the less it feels like home.

Today I went to work on the verge of a meltdown (If you know me, you know I don’t have breakdowns often).  I told my boss that I was going to stay in my office and put myself in time out. Why?  I knew it was a bad day when I dropped the f-bomb within 5 minutes of entering the building.  I was pissed. I busted ass and spent a rather large sum of money to have the interior of the house painted. Why?  To encourage a hasty sale of my home.  Sadly, the open house on Sunday drew in a single buyer and they weren’t interested.

Normally, I don’t bring personal into the business place but after 4 months of living in a store display I can’t keep it together.  I thought after 2 days of virtually nothing but chick flicks I had cried enough tears to feel too exhausted to be angry.  Instead I spent the day pissed off and listening to punk rock.

After work I decided that it was in my best interest to go to one of my temporary homes (the one with the streaming videos on demand) and chill out.  I watched a film (I think it should be categorized as a film) about a dysfunctional family, “Rachel getting married.”  I was crossing my fingers that it would numb the anger.  Otherwise I was going home and breaking dishes in the back yard. It wasn’t until now that I fully understood what was meant by this quote from High Fidelity. :”… I want to feel something else than this. It either that, or I go home and stick my hand in the fire.”

Yes, it’s come to that.  I told my mom that this house thing is making me crazy.  If I hadn’t just blown a ton of money on painting the house I would have a month and a half of rent in the apartment I should have been living in by now.

So what’s next?  No fucking clue.  I cannot afford rent and a mortgage. I appreciate the offers but I do not want temporary housing.   I do not want to unpack until I am in a new place.

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2 Responses to “Keeping up appearances”

  1. M Says:

    Dude. I didn’t know it was that bad. I knew you were not happy about it, but I didn’t realize that it was that bad. Today you need The Thermals. Trust me on this, it’ll help with the anger, but not make you pissed off more. Cathartic.

  2. Jen Says:

    For some strange reason I do not have The Thermals in my ipod. I spent the day with the likes of Sleigh Bells, Amanda Blank, Diplo, and Poe.

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