Archive for the 'identity' Category

Wizards, Wedding Dresses, and Funerals

by @ Sunday, July 31st, 2011. Filed under growing up, identity, movies, observations on life

Life is busy as usual.  But if it wasn’t, why get out of bed in the morning?

As I try and figure out what I want to be when I grow up, I’ve been working more hours on things that aren’t my day job in the hopes of keeping my options open.   I’ve even taken on a few bridal clients, but in between these jobs I managed to have some fun projects roll though.

A friend of mine asked me if I could make a Harry Potter robe.  I asked if it was for HP7.2.  He said yes, but it was also for life in general.  I laughed and decided it would be fun to make that happen.  I made his robe and then I gave in to the HP hype and made my own robe (Ravenclaw of course).     Then we joined the rest of the fans at midnight to see the show. It was good to have a night off.  Life is short so why not make the most of it (even if it means wearing a polyester wizard robe in 90 degree weather).  I don’t plan on discussing the movie.  Other than OMG! Neville got hot.

The next day I got word that a friend of mine had passed away.  She had been sick for several years but you always try and hope for the best in situations like these.  It was a strange day.  I felt like I was on autopilot.  As much as I wanted to be of help to her family and friends, I wanted to be selfish and revel in what I had.  I ended up spending the afternoon with Meg.  Then I drowned my sorrows in the world of Harry Potter (The Highball threw a great party to mark the end of an era).




Houses, homes, and such

by @ Tuesday, October 19th, 2010. Filed under confessional, identity, Music, observations on life, random musings, this old house

Key to M's House

As some of you know, I spent about six months living in a store display.  My house was on the market and it had to look “lived in” but not cluttered or have any personal items.  In other words I was living in a house, not a home.

Living in a house void of personal items was stressful.  I keep a clean house but I am a bit like Monk.  I am OCD about my things.  I don’t like sharing and I don’t like knowing that random strangers have been in the house possibly touching my things.

After six months and two realtors (I will spare you the details of that experience),   I was homeless, both literally and figuratively.  Did I sell my house? Nope.  It has however become a home once again.  It has a family now (more details I will spare you of since I am not ready to write about that experience).

So where was I living?  For the last two months I have been living in “my” room at M’s house. Drunk housing became my home and the majority of my belongings were in storage.  I wasn’t sure how that was going to play out.  But I was truly grateful that I had a place to call home.

It has been years since I had a roommate.  Sure, M and I live together for a week or so during SXSW, but that is different.  That is vacation (…and we are a lot like the Odd Couple.  She’s Oscar and I am Felix).  This was full-time job/commuting Jen. Jen who deals with stupid people all day and spends much of her weeknights hermitting in her workspace.  Now it was Jen, sans workspace, living with 3 roommates.  I did get a few sanity breaks here and there.  There was house-sitting for Yenta and some cat-sitting with streaming Netflix.

After a long search and a pause to round up enough money to pay rent and a deposit, I found a new place.  It’s not quite home yet.  I am still rounding up my belongings around town and there is some decorating to be done.

After a two month stint in cohabitation, I realize that it’s not the life for me.  I like knowing that the crumbs on the counter were left by me and I am the one who left one square of toilet paper on the roll.  I think adjoining houses is as close as we will get.

M this one is for you.

Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros “Home” from Edward Sharpe on Vimeo.


Keeping up appearances

by @ Monday, June 28th, 2010. Filed under confessional, identity, rants

Cross-stitch samplerPeople say that home is where the heart is.  Sadly I am feeling rather vacant in that area.  Home has been my car and an assortment of places I have keys for (BTW if I haven’t said it enough, thank you for giving me keys to your houses).  I am becoming a product of this sterile environment that I return to everyday after work.

For the last 4 months I have been living in a store display.  Apparently to sell a house, the house has to be lived in, yet void of life.  I have to say that living in a store display is taking it’s toll.  Personal items are stashed away in drawers and boxes.  My sewing gear is mostly packed away because I don’t want people touching it (Note to visitors: It is not appropriate to touch a seller’s personal belongings, nor should you use their bathrooms).  Books and DVDs are in the closet to avoid clouding anyone’s judgement on the purchase of my home.   I can’t even cook here.  People looking at houses do not have the same appreciation for the smell of butter and garlic that I do.  The longer the house is on the market the less it feels like home.

Today I went to work on the verge of a meltdown (If you know me, you know I don’t have breakdowns often).  I told my boss that I was going to stay in my office and put myself in time out. Why?  I knew it was a bad day when I dropped the f-bomb within 5 minutes of entering the building.  I was pissed. I busted ass and spent a rather large sum of money to have the interior of the house painted. Why?  To encourage a hasty sale of my home.  Sadly, the open house on Sunday drew in a single buyer and they weren’t interested.

Normally, I don’t bring personal into the business place but after 4 months of living in a store display I can’t keep it together.  I thought after 2 days of virtually nothing but chick flicks I had cried enough tears to feel too exhausted to be angry.  Instead I spent the day pissed off and listening to punk rock.

After work I decided that it was in my best interest to go to one of my temporary homes (the one with the streaming videos on demand) and chill out.  I watched a film (I think it should be categorized as a film) about a dysfunctional family, “Rachel getting married.”  I was crossing my fingers that it would numb the anger.  Otherwise I was going home and breaking dishes in the back yard. It wasn’t until now that I fully understood what was meant by this quote from High Fidelity. :”… I want to feel something else than this. It either that, or I go home and stick my hand in the fire.”

Yes, it’s come to that.  I told my mom that this house thing is making me crazy.  If I hadn’t just blown a ton of money on painting the house I would have a month and a half of rent in the apartment I should have been living in by now.

So what’s next?  No fucking clue.  I cannot afford rent and a mortgage. I appreciate the offers but I do not want temporary housing.   I do not want to unpack until I am in a new place.


The fashionable one

by @ Tuesday, June 22nd, 2010. Filed under diy projects, fashion, identity, observations on life

WTF?! Wings? I might make the clothes but M is definitely the more fashionable of the two of us.  Here she is sporting the “Chairman Mao Mu’umu’u”  from my Smoke House Dresses line.  The design was based on this dress from Browns Fashion and the dress was made from a polyester house dress.

M has been around for most of my semi-pro sewing career.  She has inspired a lot of my work and has definitely pushed me towards being a better designer.

Thanks M for being my “Tim Gunn” for the Smokehouse Dresses line.


Be The Best Version of Yourself

by @ Monday, June 14th, 2010. Filed under confessional, growing up, identity

After lunch, no camera only iPhone I’m finally that.  It took a few years, and a few misguided trials to become this.  However, now I feel like I’m in the place or on the path to becoming the best version of myself.

I get that this picture doesn’t make a whole bunch of sense, but it does if you think about it.  I took this with my iPhone after lunch today.  It was all I had on hand, and it’s the best version I could have expected.  Something caught my eye and I snapped it.  Get it now?

I’ve been in school now for just about 2 and 1/2 years after screwing up more than I’d like when I was younger.  I have straight A’s now.  I’m on the dean’s list, and am poised to graduate magna cum laude.  Who would have thought I’d be here?

I’m writing code, which isn’t natural for me.  It’s the other side of my personality that I’ve never fully explored.  I’m better at it than I thought I’d be.  I’m actually enjoying it more than I thought I would too.  I first signed on to the CS business because I thought it would make me more well rounded.  After only a week, I can see why all my dudes do this for a living.

I’m learning to balance my time with friends and other responsibilities better.  I truly think all this has come with some distance and age from my former self.  Yes I do go out, a lot, but I also get my stuff done.  I’m a better friend than in the past when I’ve been in relationships.  I don’t ignore my friends for my SO anymore.

And that won’t happen again.  My friends are such a part of what makes me who I am.  I now realize it was silly maybe even juvenile to devote all my attention to whatever was the new thing.  I know that I like to dive in head first, but there’s a better approach that than I was capable of before.

(This is a side note, but also, listening to Mono makes my life seem super epic.  Maybe they also have something to do with how I’m feeling.)

Not only the developing of closer/better relationships, but valuing them more.  I always valued relationships in the past, but now it’s not about what I can get, but instead they are becoming more about what I can give.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not an altruistic saint or anything, but I understand now, more than before how I can get something by giving.  (Sorry this is a bit sappy dudes.  I had a super nice weekend, and am feeling all warm and fuzzy.)


SXSW 2010 Day 6 (Brand Loyalty)

by @ Saturday, March 20th, 2010. Filed under concerts, identity, Music, sxsw

So the theme of today is Brand Loyalty/Customer Service)

M and I rode the bikes down to the AOL pop-up show featuring Broken Bells.  The staff managing the line didn’t get the message on providing customer service.   The event staff was bitchy and told us that we weren’t going to get in.  We stayed in line for the official door count.  We made the cut off but our dudes from Gowalla were right behind us and didn’t make it in.  M and I took issue with this.  Gowalla was a sponsor of the interactive festival (and they did us a solid, letting us into their party), they should have been treated better.

M had words with the event staff and started posting on the twitter to the event sponsors about the incident.  After a few free beers we ran into Denise with AOL.  She happened to be interviewing attendees.  M and I told her what happened  with Gowalla and went on to mention (on camera) the importance of brand loyalty.  M and I have been attending the festival for a while and there are parties that we go to every year regardless.  Some sponsors know how to treat their guests and many of them stay on top of the music scene to provide both big name bands and up and coming bands.

Broken Bells put on a great show (we will post the pictures later).  A short time into the show, we found out that the sponsors made an attempt to correct the actions of the event staff.  Based on the twitter posts, it doesn’t look like Gowalla made it in.

Broken Bells @ garage

Gowalla did not get in to Broken Bells 🙁

After the show, we walked to Creekside to check the schedule for the Big Texas Jumpstart (and to get a free beer).  Then we were off to ACC to stroll through the tradeshow (we spotted Erik Estrada from Chips promoting the Starkey Hearing Foundation) and use the computers (I needed to up my texting plan).  Then we were off to the Purevolume House to pick up laminates (which I have yet to use). We made a few friends in line, then headed over to Creekside to catch Ezra Furman and the Harpoons and Everybody was in the French Resistance…Now!.

Since it was St. Patty’s day, M and I decided to go off the grid for the night.  SXSW was put on pause and we headed back to the house to tidy up and chill out.

Cost for the day: tips for bartender

Free: 1 beer.  I phone case.


Sometimes I feel like Jane Goodall

by @ Sunday, August 2nd, 2009. Filed under boys, concerts, food, identity, Music, random musings

Yes, Jane Goodall.  Anthropologist.  Gorillas in the Mist…

The last few times I have gone downtown to hang out, I have felt completely out of place.

And you may find yourself in another part of the world
And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful
Wife And you may ask yourself-well…how did I get here?

Rather than infiltrate there social group I feel the need to study it.  This is how I entertained myself during my last two visits to Shangri la (that at the $2.75 vodka tonics).  Not only was I completely amused/confused my the hipster summer wear and handle bar mustaches  but, there was something else that I couldn’t put my finger on. Who are these people?  Where did they come from?  Have they been here all along? How can they afford to drink so much?  Do they build their own bikes?

So last night wasn’t much different. (more…)


M.I.A? At least the application is done.

by @ Tuesday, March 3rd, 2009. Filed under growing up, identity

Yeah, so I’ve been a little MIA recently.  Well truth be told, no news is good news.  There has been some things going on recently, but nothing really to note.  I finished my application to UT the other night, just in the nick of time. Whew.  I had Meg’s husband, Jen, and Owen’s dad go over my essays.  They were OK, but I feel like the real reason why I’d get into UT is my resume.  I mean, I’m 27 years old, I have some real life experience, and I’m not some punk kid anymore. (OK, so yeah, I still have purple hair, but… you know what I mean.)

I was thinking about it, and I’ve now officially lived in Austin for 6 years.  Hard to believe, right?  Feel’s like it was just yesterday that Carla and I packed up my little corolla with D in the back seat and hoofed it down here.

It’s pretty cool for me to think about how much Austin has been a place that’s facilitated my growth into an adult.  Yeah, I’m not totally an adult yet, I don’t have a career, or a house, or a kid… but you know there’s so much about who I am that has changed since that fateful day 6 years ago.

I’ve been through a few “serious” relationships.  I’ve been through a few “non-serious” relationships.  I’ve had a few different jobs, lived a few different places, and made a few friends.  It’s not that I have it all figured out, I don’t really believe that anyone does, but I now at least feel like I have more of a path than I did before.

Maybe that’s what growing up is really all about. I don’t want to have the end point all figured out just yet, but I feel a little better knowing the general direction I’m heading.  Finishing this application to UT is just that step.  Who knows for sure if I’ll be here when I finish school, I don’t even know if I’ll get into UT.  I hope so, but it’s not an easy school to get into, and I’m much better in person than I am on paper.

Yep, just sayin’, keep yer fingers crossed for me (but only one hand because two hands is bad luck).


So Today’s the day.

by @ Thursday, November 27th, 2008. Filed under confessional, growing up, identity

Yep, it’s formally time.  I’ve been discussing all year, and for a good chunk of last year how happy I am to have my friends.  Well folks, today’s Thanksgiving.  You know what that means.  Here comes the sap.

There are specific people I’d like to mention in this post, but I also realize that they may not like that.  So I hope you guys know who you are when reading this.  Probably the easiest way to do this will be with a list.  I started writing this thinking that I would make two lists, one for family and one for friends, but really, everyone on this list I also consider family.  Not all of them are blood related to me, but because I hold them all so close to my heart I feel safe saying that they are family.

This list wouldn’t be complete with out me adding my immediate family, so I’ll do that. Sorry this is such a sap fest.

Ok, that’s my list.  Sorry if it’s a little long-winded.  But today’s the day.  So, my advice today is: I know it’s a little cheesy, but call someone on your “list” and say thank you in person. Don’t just write it, or text it to them.  Todays the day for telling people how grateful you are for them.  I’m going to try to call or speak to everyone on this list today.  This year has brought about many positive changes for me.  I’m at a place now, (because of the support and love of my family and friends) where nothing can stop me.  Every day gets better and better.  Thanks everyone. You all are in my heart today.



by @ Tuesday, March 27th, 2007. Filed under identity, random musings

Back to that whole thing on appearances. Kids always pick up on differences. Even in the earliest stages of development they start to sort things out, group them by similarities.

My mom enrolled me in gymnastics when I was about 4. (It probably had something to do with the fact that my sister and I were using the basement couch to vault off of.) Anyways, I wasn’t all that coordinated. I blame it on the fact that my legs were way out of proportion with the rest of my body (and then there was the fact that I was chubby and lacking in upper body strength).
One day sticks out in my head. I was at gymnastics and I had decided to cover myself in white chalk. The chalk that we used on our hands to grip the bars. I thought nothing of it. I was wearing my leotard and I started with my legs. Then my arms. I don’t remember if I got to my face. I just remember my mom being mad and taking me to the restroom to remove the chalk.

Kids notice differences. I was convinced that my sister, who is several shades lighter than me, was adopted. When I was a preschool teacher one of my kids asked if the brown washed off. I had to explain that it didn’t (and I recall secretly wishing that it did).

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