Truth is, I don’t know.

I had dinner with some friends this evening, and I begun lamenting about how horrible my life is, how lonely I am, how I am unchallenged, ect. All because a friend tried asking me that very question.

But you know, that’s not really a good way to look at it.  I know it, even if I don’t act like it all the time, that it will get better.  I will finish school, I will end up doing something I want to be doing instead of this limbo stage… *it will get better*.

I’ve been feeling kind of shitty lately, well really for a while, and I’m not sure.

Let’s see I could make this into a rant about all that truly sucks in my life right now, but I feel it would be better for my emotional health to really try to think about all the thinks I do love.

Here’s my list:

1. My dog: He’s been my best friend for a long time, and days when I talk to no-one at school, or anywhere else, I always have him.  Even if he cannot respond in kind, there’s some part of me that realizes it doesn’t matter if he responds or not.  It’s more about me telling him stuff, really any stuff, that makes me feel the slightest modicum better.
2. My friends (I’ve been through worse, yes, but now I feel like this rough patch is truly being helped by long, if not unnecessary conversations with my friends.)  Even if they are tired to death of hearing my woes, they’ll listen, and it’s that listening that’s my “therapy” so to speak.
3. My family, I guess really I mean my aunt.  She’s seen a lot more than I have and the wisdom or experience is really helpful.  That being said I’m not trying to discount my family.  Sometimes it’s a little harder to share certain things with them though.
4. School: I don’t really like anyone I go to school with, but it’s pretty easy to get my A’s. I’m not saying that it’s boring.  All I have to do is my work, and it’s interesting and I get my A’s, just because it’s not super challenging doesn’t mean I don’t like it.  On top of that, it’s something to occupy my mind.

Maybe it’s not about waiting for it to get better though, there’s something to be said about taking positive action toward the course you want to see yourself on.  And even if I don’t feel like it will get better now, maybe I should try to take that stock in the things that I *do* have.

I read a study the other day saying that people in the Netherlands (or maybe it was Denmark) were the happiest in the world.  They have the most trust in society, are hard workers who do their job because they like it, not necessarily for the money, and seem to have the most stable emotional health of anyone in the world.  When asked how they are, the thing they say all the time is “It could be worse.”

I think that’s perhaps the best way to look at things.  It is totally true, and at the same time takes some stock in your present situation now.  I’ve been trying to say that when people ask how I am.  Sometimes I can’t say that, sometime I feel horrible, but most of the time I’ve been able to say it.  Maybe if I can say that more often I’ll finally live by and realize the repercussions of that statement.

So, dear readers, I really don’t know what I love about my life the most right now.  And I not really sure I ever will, but it could be worse, right?

I continue to do the same thing over and over.  It’s like I see it coming, so I batten down the hatches and prepare for the fight, thinking this one will be different. “If I can just get through this, then it’ll all be ok.” Then it ends, and we’re both heartbroken and generally broken.  That’s not to say that I don’t believe time heals all wounds, because I do.  I  think that’s maybe the reason why I continue this behavior.  It’s a different fight each time, but I’ll still push and fight to the teeth.

So, yeah, it happened.  I kinda had a feeling it would from the very beginning, it usually does.  I’m usually the one to get broken up with, I’m just too much of a fighter to not go down swinging.

The problem is, that I never remember this feeling when I’m beginning the fight. It’s like this new fight has erased all the other horrible ones from my memory.  And I think, “This time it’s different.”  But really, it never is, it might be about something different, but the outcome is the same, I have to eventually give up.  The giving up part is harder than the actual fight for me.  I’m so determined, and so stubborn, that each time it’s worse.

This begs the question, How much is too much?  How much can I put up with and know it is or will be worth it in the end.  Am I just going to continue this vicious behavior in every relationship?  Or will I eventually be so broken, like Muhammad Ali with Parkinson’s, left trembling and almost incomprehensible?

I want so desperately for my life to be a movie, the happy ending and all that but it never turns out that way.  And I know this, its something I tell myself all the time. However, telling yourself something and believing it are two different things.

It’s just not good enough anymore.  To continue fighting for things that I know won’t pan out is insanity.  From this point on, I’m deciding that I’m only going to put into a relationship exactly what I’m getting out of it.

Can someone please remind me of this next time I start getting ready for the end fight scene?  I’m not going get all cynical here and swear off men.  I’m not even going to banish particular ones to the closet of misfit toys.  I just need help with the perspective thing.

Monday of last week, 10HDG and I went to see little joy at the independent (of which I’m the mayor now).  It was phenomenal.  10HDG even said so.  He’s not so much into that type of music, the folky/beachy stuff, but G-D those guys are super talented; read: awesome musicians.

Fabrizio was not there,  rumors I’ve read said he’s off recording with his *cough* other *cough* band.  Not to knock them or anything, but I’m hoping that this little “side project” becomes more of his focus than his other bnd, they are soooo good.  Here’s one of their debut videos, so cute!

You know who was there though? Coldplay! 10HDG and I both read some tweets that “Coldplay is in the house.”  We both thought that it was just the music in between sets.  However, when we got back to my house, I checked the twitter, and sure enough, Coldplay was actually there.  They were saying how Little Joy is their new favorite band, well apparently Guy’s new favorite.

I tend to think that’s good.  It means that Little Joy will get more coverage, and thus more money, and then they can make more awesome beachy summer music for us to listen to.

I bet I know why Guy was there… I mean, I’m not a Coldplay fan or anything, but the guys are famous for a reason.  They are pretty decent musicians, and they have a good ear.  So, my thoughts are that Guy likes good music even though I’m not a fan of his music.

However, not only is Rodrigo an amazing guitar player, he can sing also. I think he doesn’t sing all of the songs regularly, but he did a very good Fabrizio impression.  The whole band sounded very together, I don’t think there was one sour note.  I was in awe of how good musicians they are. I can’t wait for them to come back.

Here’s the funny thing: for a while now, I had thought that this Rodrigo was the one from Rodrigo y Gabriela.  Except he’s not… I’m apparently a fool and this is the Rodrigo from Los Hermanos.

Little Joy was a side project that got started by Rodrigo Amarante, Fabrizio Moretti, and Binki Shapiro.  They decided to start this band after spending time together at a music festival in Europe.  I think there’s rumors that Fabrizio is dating Binki, not sure though.

The other guys that played with Binki and Rodrigo were also super talented.  Last time they came to Austin, I don’t believe that the other guys played with them, but I didn’t make it to that show.  They are: Todd Dahlhoff and Matt Borg from The Dead Trees (on bass and guitar, respectively), Matt Romano from Albert Hammond Jr’s band (drums) and Jack Dishel from Only Son (guitar, backing vocals) (via their myspace page).

Another thing that really struck me about how that space is well matched for that band was the audience interaction during the set.   In between songs they were talking to the audience, and checking in with us.  Binki and Rodrigo were both super gracious.  And that’s always an awesome thing, they know they’re thebusiness, but they’re still humble. They were full of thank you’s.

I was surprised that there were so many people there.  I think it was a sold out show, but I’m not sure, it was packed.  Especially compared to the C.L.U.E.S show that Jen and I saw later in the week.  That being said there were a fair amount of D-bags there.  It struck me as a quiet venue, kinda like the time we saw BSS at Bass. But there were these two groups of people near by us who would not stop talking.  I mean it’s totally one thing if the show was outside at Stubbs or something, but this was small, smaller than The Parish even.  There was a few moments when I almost turned around and asked them to stop taking, but I didn’t really feel like starting a fight.

All in all, the show was awesome. A little hot in the venue, but I think they’re still working out the kinks on temperature control.  The sounds was well balanced, and not crappy like Emo’s, sounded pretty full, I don’t know that I’d go with rich yet, but they’ll get there.  And One of the other best things about this venue is how close it is to Mexico (A.K.A my house).

So yeah, go to the Independent, and listen to Little Joy. I think you’ll enjoy both.

This week I was visited by the sinus headache from hell.  It descended upon me on Tuesday.  If only my desire to hang out on the floor in my dark bathroom was caused by a hangover.   I know how to fix that.

The sinus thing could be caused by a number of things.  Grass, pollen, mold, M’s dog,…  Then there was the weather.  A front was coming through. Actually, multiple fronts were coming though.  Sadly, I am a barometer.  It started around my eyes and by Wednesday morning it had progressed to my ears.

When it gets that far there isn’t much I can do except stay put.  I get vertigo when my ears are clogged.  It’s been awhile since I have fallen and blacked out.  I  know the warning signs.  It’s best to just stay on the floor to begin with.   That and pray for rain (or the barometric pressure to change).  The majority of Wednesday was spent in bed and on the floor.

By Thursday I was feeling mildly better.  The rain helped a little bit.  I braved the office for a few hours until the nausea hit.  I decided to go home at that point. The couch, lots of fluids,  and the Dark Crystal made me feel better.  I felt good enough to take the Real Jew’s advise and stalk someone on the internet.

Today was about the same.  Still feeling mildly icky. I can tollerate sunlight so that’s a plus.  I managed to watch 14 episodes of Arrested Development without falling asleep.  That was not the case on Wednesday.

Hopefully I can return to life off of the couch.  I do love my couch but really, this was a bit much.

Team Photos day, originally uploaded by Limorama.

So, you may or may not know this, but I help coach a kids climbing team. These are my kids. I really love them a lot. They all work super hard, are very motivated, and on top of all that well balanced.

Hanging out with them teaches me things every day. Yes, I am their coach and I do help them with climbing things, but the simplistic nature of how they look at things sometimes really is uplifting to me sometimes.

It’s like one of my girls said once, “In rock climbing, you can almost die, but if you don’t it’s totally a good idea to try it again.” I like that philosophy a lot. It’s all about being fearless. I wish everyone had that kind of fortitude.

So really this is just a shout out to my kids. Well, to other people’s kids who I happen to coach I guess. Thanks guys, thanks for showing me some stuff, and reminding me of things.

Bishop Allen, originally uploaded by Limorama.

As you dear readers know, I’ve been on a few different dating experiments this year. First there was the 17 Dates. Of which I only finished 8, clearly you all can see how dedicated to that cause I was. Then there was the most recent challenge. And well, I didn’t do so well on that either. Intrinsically, I think that was not set up too well, cause what was supposed to happen when I met someone I liked enough to date (like more than a few times). So anyhow…

I met this guy. 10HDG to be exact. Perhaps this is all a little much especially putting it out here on the interwebs, but… I am totally smitten, I’d go so far as to say head over heels. It goes with that whole twitterpated thing Jen was talking about. I think I’m not exactly like that but still, it’s a pretty good description of how I would feel if I just let loose. As it stands now, he feels the same way, or at least that’s what he tells me. I am far less forthcoming with him than he is with me too.

I feel very well matched with him. Shockingly so, even. We are very different people with different interests and hobbies, but I’ve noticed, we tend to look at things in a similar way. I told him last night, that I always wanted to be with someone who was more like me. Now I understand what I mean when I say that. Not someone who is my carbon copy or anything, but someone who shares views with me, and approaches life and shenanigans the same way I do. We can spend 6 consecutive days together and not get bored. We always have something to say to each other.

Part of me wonders when it’ll wear off for him, but that’s the pessismism talking. I’m really trying to just go one day at a time, and really all I know is that it’s great right now, and most likely will be tomorrow.

I had this conversation with my dog the other day, “Diesel, How did I get so lucky as to have this man in my life right now?”

The answer is simple: Bishop Allen. We met on a dating website, of which, happens to be written by one of the dudes from that band. So following my somewhat skewed logic, Bishop Allen is responsible for a major contribution to my happiness this past few months. (Truthfully, not only because of the site, I really love their music too, if you’ve never heard them, here’s their myspace link.)

There’s other ways to explain this, i.e. karma, psychology, and all that stuff. And yes I do believe in that stuff too. I’m just sayin’ the most fun explanation of it all is Bishop Allen, just trust me on this one dudes.

I know I said 8 second delay, but I like this post a lot.  Also, I feel like this isn’t really going to incriminate anyone or be bad in any way, so I guess this doesn’t need the delay.

So I was out with 10HDG last night, and he got me thinking about stuff. (I love that!)  It’s been a while that I’ve met someone I feel like I click with this well, outside of my dudes that is. As I was coming home from going out to get green curry and coffee/drinks and we exchanged a few txt msgs.

I’m not going to divulge the exact messages, but they were adorable, albeit off-the-cuff.  Even so adorable that it might make you puke if I did, so I’ll spare you guys that.

The main thing was that we’ve been trying to figure out how this happened.  Now, as a note, there is a part of me that says: if it’s working this well, don’t worry about it.  But, I also realize that there is some amount of reflection on these things that makes them work even better.

Sure, we did meet on the interwebs.  But that’s me taking control. Putting myself in a position that allows me to be happy.  I really set myself up to have the best year ever.  I set a place for me to start, and worked really hard through this year to maintain the standard I wanted to have.  Yes, I won’t lie, there were times I allowed myself to get a little down, and all that, but in the end, I really am getting it.

I’m not going to go all nuts, I have no worries about it, and thus no need to go nuts.  And I think therein lies the answer I’m looking for.  I’m so happy now because of a multitude of things.  I feel super grateful to have my life and my family (both here and in Chicago).  I’m super grateful for how well I’m doing in school.  And as always, I’m super grateful for having a medium to post all of this.  I’ve set myself up to be happy, so no need to worry, just work on the being happy business.

This was the year that I really took the reigns of my own happiness.  I spent a lot of time thinking about the crappy stuff that’s happened, but I am also realizing that I need to be more thankful for all of it.  I wouldn’t say that I believe in fate so much as making a general plan, a starting place if you will, and just going with the spontaneity of where it leads me.

This all happens because I was/am ready for this. This happiness, this life, this everything.  My spanish profesora said the other day, “When you let go of all the negative stuff, and live in your own bliss, people are just naturally attracted to you.”  That along with the thing my father said to me, “Have the courage of your convictions” have been some really important things for me to hear and internalize this year.

You know how you hear stuff, but don’t really get it?  This was the year for me to get it.  Finally realizing that I did have the courage of my convictions all along, makes me live in my own bliss.  Next year and succeeding years are only going to get/be better.  Thanks for entertaining my musings on this.

This post is kind of all over the place, it’s more a stream of conscious writing exercise for me than anything else.  Sometime you just have to get stuff out of your head.  So sorry if it’s a little wonky.

I’ll start with Jazz music:

You know how in dancing there’s some people who just understand the musicality of it all and how things are supposed to fit together?  Well I’m beginning to feel like that about life in general.

There’s some people who get the nuances, and the little breaks.  Then there’s just some who don’t.  This is about the time of year when reflection hits me right on the head.  These were a few past bad years for me.  I wouldn’t say that I struggled a ton, but emotionally, I think I went through some stuff that’s helped me grow a lot.

It’s kind of like a jazz song (A-B-A-B-C-B-A). Stuff’s going ok, it gets bad, then it goes good again then it gets bad, then something out of left field happends, and then it gets bad, then it’s all good again.    I feel like my life the past two years has followed that structure. Well at least loosely.

Now I move on to baggage and stuff:

I guess what I’m saying is that my interpersonal relationships have followed this pattern.  Maybe here is the place that I look back on thoes bad and good time and say thanks.  I’m not sure if any of my ex’s still read this, but that’s ok.  Writing this is more for me than them.

So, yeah, thanks to you dudes who’ve dated me in the past few years.  Through thoes relationships, I’ve learned a lot about myself and they type of people I choose to be around, clearly you were not good enough for me.  And also, I’m finally thinking that I’m getting to a point where I’m learning to let go of some of the anger and bad feelings that I’m harboring.  Don’t get me wrong, I still feel wronged by thoes dudes, but it’s just not an important part of my life anymore.  I’m downsizing, I’m not carrying my usual 3 rolling suitcases full of baggage, now I have just a small backpack.  I’m working on getting it into an even smaller train case, but that will take time.  Where I’m at I feel pretty good about.

I bet that some of this is because of the recent events in my life, but isn’t that always how it goes?   The ebb and flow of the daily stuff makes the grander stuff more bearable.  Like I always say, it’s an adventure, and I’m always good for an adventure.  In fact, I’m the girl you want on an adventure with you.  I don’t carry a ton of stuff in my bag, but I’m usually more prepaired than most people, and I’m super good under pressure and in extreme situations.

OK, enough ramblings from me, I just needed to get that out. Sorry if it’s messy or vague, but I understand it, and if you know me well enough you’d understand it too.

So you know how I’ve been spouting the drivel about how to figure it out?  Well today I had an epiphany.  I went to a talk at UT given by the co-founder of Kiva.org and it was amazing.  I’ve known for a while that I want to be involved in some capacity with politics and public policy.  Well, this was great.

Kiva.org is a website that is essentially set up like a social networking website.  They match loaners (you and me) with people and micro finance institution (borrowers).  The whole thoughts on the issue for me is that it’s globalization on it’s greatest most beneficial level.  It’s globalization at a grassroots network level.  I love it.  I think it’s genius, mostly because it makes the borrowers financially responsible, and makes them “dignified partners.”  It gives people credit and loans who would not normally have access to such things.

I got chills listening to Matt Flannery speak.  He seems down to earth with great business sense, but motivated by humanitarian efforts.  This is the benefit of globalization.  Sure there are many cons to the growth of globalization, but this is definetly the best form of it.  I’m so psyched about this program.

He also mentioned something called kiva fellows.  The organization sends recent college grads around the world to check on the MFI’s.  This is something that I could really see myself doing after I get the degree.  It’s humanitarian efforts with real impact on people’s lives. So rad!

Part of me wonders why nothing like this was around earlier.  I suspect that MFI’s have been around since the 70’s like grameen bank, but the repercussions of connection people in developed countries around the world with people in un(der)developed countries is why I’m a true blue democrat.  I get it now.

This is not spell checked, I’m just really excited right now, so if it’s got typos, I’m sorry.  I’ll fix it later, but please, think about lending through Kiva.org, they are a totally worthwhile organization.

Farmers Market, originally uploaded by Limorama.

Went to the Farmers Market this morning. It was gray and overcast, so it wasn’t prime lighting for shooting. Everything in this set looks a little cold to me, but I like the pics. I’ll hafta try again when it’s sunny. I photoshopped this a little to try and make it warmer, but… I don’t think it was enough.

Got some shrimp to cook on monday, going to make some scampi I think. I’ll let you know how it turns out.

Hope everyone’s having a good day!